Saturday Night

Charlie and I went out with our good friends John and Megan this past Saturday. It was late in the evening and Charlie and I were in the backseat.  I was talking and out of nowhere, this wave of nausea just hit me. I had not eaten much that day so I'm sure it was coming from that.  But Megan joked and asked "Are you sure that it?" or something along those lines.

For a split second, I became hopeful again. Hopeful that maybe my doctor could be wrong. That maybe I was ovulating.  I quickly put those thoughts aside though. I've done really well with not thinking about getting pregnant.  Since the doctor gave me the news and after my breakdown, I've really had no time to think about getting pregnant. Thank Goodness that school and work keep me busy.

************************************************************************************

I had a really awful dream later that night..

Here it is to the best of my recollection:

I dreamed that Charlie and I had a daughter named Julia..(Lauren - she looked just like your Julia in my dream!!)  So anyway, for some reason Lauren's Julia was my daughter in my dream.  It felt so real because in my dream, Charlie and me where going out with John and Meg too. 

Julia apparently was really sleepy so we decided to put her in her crib. I can remember pulling all the little blankets up to her chin to tuck her in.  Then, the God awful parents that we were (in my dream), we left her !! In the house!! By herself!!  Yes. We went out with John and Meg and even went to Target like we did (for real) Saturday night.

I remember driving home with Charlie (John and Meg didn't drive home with us). I guess they walked home. LOL.  We were talking about Julia. I can remember thinking that our heat had not been working well and I was hoping that Julia would not get really cold. Then my nurse in me kicked in and I started panicking. Panicking that Julia could die if she got so cold. I was so mad at me and Charlie. Mad that we could leave our little girl all by herself.  We were so selfish. We rushed home and luckily Charlie's parents were there and so were Charlie's brother and his girlfried. I picked up Julia and she gave me the saddest look. A look of betrayal - like she couldn't believe I left her there.

That was the end of the dream.

I woke up with my heart thudding. When I woke up, I really thought I had a baby girl in the next room. It took a few seconds to register that no I didn't have a baby. This was 3am Sunday morning.  I got up and drank some water hoping to go back to sleep soon. It didn't work. I sat up for a few minutes and all I could think about was what that dream meant....Would Charlie and I be bad parents?? Would we be so clueless?? Would I ever leave my baby even if by accident?? I was mortified.  So of course I tried to wake Charlie up. I told him about my dream but I don't think it even registered...Poor Charlie. I always get him up with my bad dreams. He went back to sleep and it took me a good hour to finally go back to sleep.

I really hope I don't have any more dreams like that.

Disappointing News

Hello All. I've got two disappointing news to share. 

First: I did get my period this past Monday, which to my disappointment, means no preggo.  It was comforting though to finally know. I keep repeating myself but I hate the "not knowing" part.

Second: I called my gynecologist, Dr.Keeley, on Monday.  You see, my cycle has been 45-50 days apart.  Normal cycle is like 28-32 days apart.  I was not sure if this was normal. I knew I would be irregular as in - not knowing when I would start. But I didn't think it should be this far apart.  So I called just to make sure nothing was wrong with my health. 

Dr.Keeley said that because my cycle was so far apart - I was not OVULATING. He said "You have a slim to no chance of getting pregnant right now."  Call me foolish, but I was completely blindsighted by this. No one in my family has/had any trouble of getting pregnant. So I assumed that I would just get pregnant just like that. Silly of me. He said if I want to be aggresive about it, I could make an appointment and he would prescribed Clomid. Clomid is a drug to help you ovulate and is also used for infertility. It can result in twins or triplets.  Or he said, since you are so young, you could wait a few months and see if you become more regular. Does he know I'm 26?

I was very disappointed Monday. Shed some tears. One of my biggest fears is that I can't bear a child.  I could rationalize and think it's for the best.  God knows when I am good and ready. I'm still in school after all and under a lot of stress. All true.

But the IRRATIONAL part of me wants to go into a panic. I've kept putting off children because I wanted to get established in my 1st career, then I put it off because I wanted to go to school, now I've put it off because I want to graduate before I have a child.  Now, I get the news that maybe something could be wrong with me....It could be awhile before I can be fixed and have a baby. Who knows?

I'm not an organized person by any means. But I'm a planner at heart.  So Charlie and I have already planned to have four children. We love children and all that comes with it. We are crazy we know.  So all this waiting to have a baby could hinder our plans of having four kids. I mean I am turning 27 in January. I always wanted to be a young mom who could keep up with her children. Now I'll be old and disabled running after my youngest.  LOL.

But I'm striving to get all this negative thoughts out. I really am. I'm letting God take care of it.  I am not going to be aggressive and take Clomid. I will wait it out and see what God has planned for me.  Much easier said than done.  Although it may seem like it - I'm not depressed and I'm not stressed. I know of one person going through the same thing so it gives me comfort that I can turn to her for support.  I've got great friends and family to talk to if I need encouragement.  Charlie has been great and very supportive. This is just a slight detour and Charlie and I will be happy to follow wherever it may lead.