Saturday Night

Charlie and I went out with our good friends John and Megan this past Saturday. It was late in the evening and Charlie and I were in the backseat.  I was talking and out of nowhere, this wave of nausea just hit me. I had not eaten much that day so I'm sure it was coming from that.  But Megan joked and asked "Are you sure that it?" or something along those lines.

For a split second, I became hopeful again. Hopeful that maybe my doctor could be wrong. That maybe I was ovulating.  I quickly put those thoughts aside though. I've done really well with not thinking about getting pregnant.  Since the doctor gave me the news and after my breakdown, I've really had no time to think about getting pregnant. Thank Goodness that school and work keep me busy.

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I had a really awful dream later that night..

Here it is to the best of my recollection:

I dreamed that Charlie and I had a daughter named Julia..(Lauren - she looked just like your Julia in my dream!!)  So anyway, for some reason Lauren's Julia was my daughter in my dream.  It felt so real because in my dream, Charlie and me where going out with John and Meg too. 

Julia apparently was really sleepy so we decided to put her in her crib. I can remember pulling all the little blankets up to her chin to tuck her in.  Then, the God awful parents that we were (in my dream), we left her !! In the house!! By herself!!  Yes. We went out with John and Meg and even went to Target like we did (for real) Saturday night.

I remember driving home with Charlie (John and Meg didn't drive home with us). I guess they walked home. LOL.  We were talking about Julia. I can remember thinking that our heat had not been working well and I was hoping that Julia would not get really cold. Then my nurse in me kicked in and I started panicking. Panicking that Julia could die if she got so cold. I was so mad at me and Charlie. Mad that we could leave our little girl all by herself.  We were so selfish. We rushed home and luckily Charlie's parents were there and so were Charlie's brother and his girlfried. I picked up Julia and she gave me the saddest look. A look of betrayal - like she couldn't believe I left her there.

That was the end of the dream.

I woke up with my heart thudding. When I woke up, I really thought I had a baby girl in the next room. It took a few seconds to register that no I didn't have a baby. This was 3am Sunday morning.  I got up and drank some water hoping to go back to sleep soon. It didn't work. I sat up for a few minutes and all I could think about was what that dream meant....Would Charlie and I be bad parents?? Would we be so clueless?? Would I ever leave my baby even if by accident?? I was mortified.  So of course I tried to wake Charlie up. I told him about my dream but I don't think it even registered...Poor Charlie. I always get him up with my bad dreams. He went back to sleep and it took me a good hour to finally go back to sleep.

I really hope I don't have any more dreams like that.

Disappointing News

Hello All. I've got two disappointing news to share. 

First: I did get my period this past Monday, which to my disappointment, means no preggo.  It was comforting though to finally know. I keep repeating myself but I hate the "not knowing" part.

Second: I called my gynecologist, Dr.Keeley, on Monday.  You see, my cycle has been 45-50 days apart.  Normal cycle is like 28-32 days apart.  I was not sure if this was normal. I knew I would be irregular as in - not knowing when I would start. But I didn't think it should be this far apart.  So I called just to make sure nothing was wrong with my health. 

Dr.Keeley said that because my cycle was so far apart - I was not OVULATING. He said "You have a slim to no chance of getting pregnant right now."  Call me foolish, but I was completely blindsighted by this. No one in my family has/had any trouble of getting pregnant. So I assumed that I would just get pregnant just like that. Silly of me. He said if I want to be aggresive about it, I could make an appointment and he would prescribed Clomid. Clomid is a drug to help you ovulate and is also used for infertility. It can result in twins or triplets.  Or he said, since you are so young, you could wait a few months and see if you become more regular. Does he know I'm 26?

I was very disappointed Monday. Shed some tears. One of my biggest fears is that I can't bear a child.  I could rationalize and think it's for the best.  God knows when I am good and ready. I'm still in school after all and under a lot of stress. All true.

But the IRRATIONAL part of me wants to go into a panic. I've kept putting off children because I wanted to get established in my 1st career, then I put it off because I wanted to go to school, now I've put it off because I want to graduate before I have a child.  Now, I get the news that maybe something could be wrong with me....It could be awhile before I can be fixed and have a baby. Who knows?

I'm not an organized person by any means. But I'm a planner at heart.  So Charlie and I have already planned to have four children. We love children and all that comes with it. We are crazy we know.  So all this waiting to have a baby could hinder our plans of having four kids. I mean I am turning 27 in January. I always wanted to be a young mom who could keep up with her children. Now I'll be old and disabled running after my youngest.  LOL.

But I'm striving to get all this negative thoughts out. I really am. I'm letting God take care of it.  I am not going to be aggressive and take Clomid. I will wait it out and see what God has planned for me.  Much easier said than done.  Although it may seem like it - I'm not depressed and I'm not stressed. I know of one person going through the same thing so it gives me comfort that I can turn to her for support.  I've got great friends and family to talk to if I need encouragement.  Charlie has been great and very supportive. This is just a slight detour and Charlie and I will be happy to follow wherever it may lead.

No news

It's normal to have an irregular cycle when you stop taking birth control pills. I guess that is what my body is going through. I skipped a September cycle and I guess I will skip a November cycle too. Oh well. I shouldn't be complaining...who wants a period anyway?? LOL.

Waiting once again

The one thing that bothers me the most about being off the pill is the uncertainty of when my period will start.  It's Nov 15 - over a month since my last period - and still no period.  Am I pregnant? Well according to the  4 pregnancy tests I've took already, that would be a no.

I got really excited with one result this weekend.  I thought I could see this VERY faint blue line.  I scrutinized over that thing forever. I even had Charlie to check behind me. I was sure it was supposed to be positive but I got another just in case.  This one didn't show ANY lines. Oh well. 

Charlie is sure that I am pregnant. It's so cute. He talks to my belly like there's a baby in there already. I thought I was too. I've been super emotional. Not the crying kind. The ugly tempermental kind. I got into one of my wild rampages the other day.  Charlie is so good about handling them. He'll just bear hug me and insist I look at him.  99.9% of the time I will end up cracking up because I know how stupid I'm being and then that's that.  I've also had these weird cringes of pain in my breasts..I know they're supposed to be sore, so I think I was reading too much into them once again.  Also, I've been bleeding a whole lot when I brush my teeth.  I know there's an increase of bleeding in the gums during pregnancy due to the increase in estrogen. LOL. I might just have gingivitis. It would probably be better if I didn't know all the signs and symptoms of pregnancy.  I need to chill out and let it be. :0)

The baby fever has dwindled some what because I'm no longer in the nursery for clinicals.  However, I've done some peds rotations.  I LOVE children sooo much.  In fact, doing the peds rotations made me want to be a teacher for younger children.  I actually second guess my decision of being a nurse.  All I want in life is to make a huge impact in other people's lives. Teaching and being a mentor for young children is pretty intense. I mean, a teacher is the foundation of that young child's education.  I love my job though so I think I'll stick with nursing and help to save people's lives.  Sorry for that slight tangent.

By the way, I've gain three pounds..so now I'm at 115 lbs prepregnancy weight
Until the next time...

Not Pregnant

Well we are not pregnant.  Mother Nature paid a little visit the weekend on Oct 2..Charlie and I were at Raleigh for Elizabeth and John's wedding.  I am not as disappointed as I thought I would be. It only gave me more hope to try for the next month.  It was only the uncertainty that drove me crazy.  If God felt that it was time for us to have a baby, then it would have happened.  For now, I will just enjoy all the babies in the nursery and my friends' babies.

Still waiting...

I was supposed to have a little visit with Mother Nature the week of Sept 13-19.  But lo and behold, this has not happened yet. GASP! Trust me, I have done my fair share of pregnancy tests. I should buy stocks in Pregnancy Tests.  They have all tested negative. 

My nursing friends - who are all moms for the most part - tell me that if I don't follow the directions EXACTLY as the pregnancy test states, then it could be a false negative.  Heather - told me that I had to look real closely at the result.  She said that the extra line could be so faint that it could have been missed.  Yes, I actually went home last night and "fished" the test out of the trash. No extra lines.

I know I have plenty of time to have a baby. It's not that really.  To me, the worse part is the NOT KNOWING.  I don't understand why I haven't started my period yet.  I have been regular since I was on birth control and even before that.  I am like a child.  If I want something, I WANT IT NOW. If I want to know something, I WANT TO KNOW NOW.

Also, I would like to know if I am pregnant, so that I can even make more efforts in keeping myself healthy. For ex: WORK.  I am constantly straining my body to lift, push, pull patients at work.  I'm sure this is not conducive to a safe pregnancy.  I'm also on my feet for most of the duration -whether it's 4, 6, or 12 hrs.  I want to be able to take it a little easier at work so that I don't hurt my future baby. I guess I could do that now, but the workaholic in me refuses to do so.

I guess I will wait a couple more weeks. If Mother Nature does not visit, then I will call my physician.  In the mean time, I will wait.

Anticipation

Less than a week now to find out if we are pregnant. I'm become a woman obsessed. I'm scrutinizing every little symptom that I have to determine if I am pregnant. I need to get a grip and realize that God has a plan for me. When HE believes it is time then I will get pregnant. I feel so selfish at times thinking that I could get pregnant in a month, when I have close friends who's had a hard time getting pregnant. I guess all I can do is wait. Wait patiently for a miracle to happen.

Some symptoms I have been scrutinizing since mid Aug:

1. Frequent urination - I have been peeing a lot lately.  But this could be the fact that I'm drinking a ton of water in efforts to get healthier. 
2. I have been real dizzy and lightedheaded even without doing anything. This is a sign of pregnancy but I'm not getting my hopes up.
3. I've felt weird little tugs and pangs in my belly. Is it gas?? Could be..LOL.


These are the only symptoms I've had.  No nausea or vomiting. No breast tenderness.. Because I'm so weird, I even took two pregnancy tests.  Sept 9 and Sept 11 - Both negative.  So needless to say, I will probably get my period this week and it will be a major disappointment. 


 "Que Sera Sera". 

Aug 30, 2009 Measurements - Prepregnancy (excuse the disheveled hair. this is a post workout picture)

Weight: 112 lbs

Waist Measurement: 29.5 in

Changes

Aug 27, 2009 - First day of getting a patient assignment in clinicals. I held a newborn in my arms as it cried. My heart actually ached. Wow.

I've made some changes in my diet and habits to prepare for a baby.

1. I'm going on three weeks of no caffeine. This is one of the hardest things to break but I have not slipped not one time. Not even a sip. I no longer drink coffee to stay awake and study for tests or for class. For those that know me and my sleepy habits, this is VERY TOUGH. I've made sure to make use of my time wisely and sleep early to get a good night's rest.
2. I've been taking Prenatals for about 2 months now. I hate big pills; they make me gag. But I've grown accustomed to these also.
3. I'm drinking a lot of water. I'm not a fan of water, but I've found that mixing water and Crystal Light is tolerable.
4. I'm trying to exercise more consistently. However, with my schedule this has been near to impossible. I want to carry a baby with no problems and have a much smoother delivery.
5. I'm eating more fruits and vegetables.
6. I've lessened my sweets and candy intake. For those that know me, this is also an achievement. I am or I thought I was addicted to sweets after every meal. Apparently not.

Preparing for a good pregnancy will be very beneficial for baby and myself. Although these seem like small accomplishments, I am proud to have started them with the intentions of my future baby's health in mind.

Baby Jacob Reed Nicholson

Charlie and I visited my good friend Jenny after our trip to the beach.  She lives in SC so she was on the way home.  We were soo excited to see Baby Jacob Reed.  He was born on Aug 3, 2009 and absolutely gorgeous! It was so great to see and catch up with Jenny. She was tired that day because Jacob didn't sleep good the night before but she looked great. 

Jenny, Jacob, and I

Jacob and I

Sleepy Jacob

Charlie and little Jacob

It was so cute watching Charlie hold Jacob. He hasn't held many infants.  He was so cute trying to hold him properly!!
 

1st Clinical Day

Hello to all but no one in particular. No one knows of this blog but Charlie and me. Today was the first day of our Maternal Child clinical rotation. This entire day has not only fueled my desire to have a baby, but also helped to make a big decision. I have decided to NOT purchase another set of birth control!! So, if a miracle happens, we could be pregnant by the end of May or early June!!

There are friends that oppose this idea. They say it is too soon after I graduate. They say that I need to focus on boards. Yes this is very true. However, my gut tells me that if I just trust in God, then everything should happen as it should. I can't describe how I feel right now. I am sure that this is how most mothers feel right before they decide they want their first child. It is a strong need that I cannot deny no matter how hard I try.

This semester is not helping either. All our lectures will be based on pregnancy and babies. I thought that maybe seeing the labor delivery dvds or seeing all that could go wrong with a pregnancy would make me rethink. But I honestly think that it makes me want to do it more. I know that I am strong enough and willing enough to go through pregnancy during nursing school. I expect it to be tiring and stressful. I look forward to the long nine months and look forward to the long and very painful delivery. I know that Charlie and I will be part of a little miracle and that totally blows my mind. I mean .. a little person grows inside of YOU and then comes out of YOU!! Double WOW! :0)

So for now, I will quit babbling because I have to do schoolwork. Maybe it will be soon that we will be pregnant and our loved ones will know and read this website. But until then, we will all leave everything in God's hands.


In the meant time I will continue to breathe and be as stress-free as I can be....
Just breathe Gina..

Delivery Day

Friday July 31, 2009 was a day to remember. I was given the honor of holding two sweet beautiful babies in my arms. Both great friends - Lauren Hutchins and Missy Edwards - delivered on the same day. Different locations and times of course but nevertheless SAME DAY!! I am so blessed and fortunate to have been there to see the sweet little miracles. Holding both babies in my arms only fueled my desire for mine and Charlie's own miracle. I can still remember a few years ago, holding my nephew Storm and my niece Marina, when they were little babies. I can remember saying to myself - "This kids are not even mine and I love them so much. I can only imagine what it feels like to love your own children."

At 5:06 am, Lauren Hutchins delivered Miss Julia Grace Hutchins at CMC Northeast, Concord N.C. She was 8lbs 1oz and 21 inches long. It took 22 hours for Lauren to deliver but she and Julia both persevered. Below are some pics that were captured.



Sweet Julia Grace Hutchins



Hi there sweet beautiful girl!



In her beautiful mom's arms

Dad and Miss Julia



Very tired dad

The five amigos



You can't help but smile at her!!

Julia and Auntie Gina
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Missy Edwards delivered Matthew Wyatt Edwards also on July 31, 2009. He was a few weeks early but still weighed 7lbs 81/2 oz! I can only imagine how big he would have been at full term! Below are some pics:

Dad and Mom

Daddy Steve suiting up for the C-section

Missy and Vickie before the C-section

Me, Missy, and Heather

Right after C-section before they wheeled him into the nursery

Proud mama and her little boy

Hello sweet thing!

Proud new family

Aunt Vickie and Baby Matthew

Aunt Heather and Baby Matthew



Aunt Gina aka "Auntie Dora" with Baby Matthew

This is my first post ever. This blog was motivated mostly by my good friend Lauren, who documented her pregnancy online. I thought this was a great idea, and although not pregnant yet, thought I could get started.

Today seemed like a good day to start. First and foremost, two of my great girlfriends are both having their babies delivered tomorrow Thu July 30. I am excited, thrilled, and nervous for both of them. I can only imagine the pain they will have to endure tomorrow. But I can also imagine the miracle they will soon hold in their arms. The little ones they will fall so madly in love with in one quick moment. In fact, I'm sure they were already in love with it before the baby even gets here.

That is the stage that I am at. There are days when I so badly want a child. Charlie has already reached this stage, even before me. I truly feel that having a child and raising it is one of the greatest miracles God has given us. It is one of the few things I know I was born to do.

So even though my friends and family do not share my enthusiasm for a child, I move forward with the decision. Together, Charlie and I, will experience this miracle. However, as much as I'd like to pursue a pregnancy NOW, I will wait until September. If everything goes well, maybe we will have a baby "FILI-CAN" (Filipino American) by June or July.

ps I also had my first appt with my new gynecologist/OB doctor. I chose Dr.Keeley because of the wonderful things I have heard about. He will help Charlie and I with this wonderful journey that will soon unfold.

Until the next time...