Saturday Night

Charlie and I went out with our good friends John and Megan this past Saturday. It was late in the evening and Charlie and I were in the backseat.  I was talking and out of nowhere, this wave of nausea just hit me. I had not eaten much that day so I'm sure it was coming from that.  But Megan joked and asked "Are you sure that it?" or something along those lines.

For a split second, I became hopeful again. Hopeful that maybe my doctor could be wrong. That maybe I was ovulating.  I quickly put those thoughts aside though. I've done really well with not thinking about getting pregnant.  Since the doctor gave me the news and after my breakdown, I've really had no time to think about getting pregnant. Thank Goodness that school and work keep me busy.

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I had a really awful dream later that night..

Here it is to the best of my recollection:

I dreamed that Charlie and I had a daughter named Julia..(Lauren - she looked just like your Julia in my dream!!)  So anyway, for some reason Lauren's Julia was my daughter in my dream.  It felt so real because in my dream, Charlie and me where going out with John and Meg too. 

Julia apparently was really sleepy so we decided to put her in her crib. I can remember pulling all the little blankets up to her chin to tuck her in.  Then, the God awful parents that we were (in my dream), we left her !! In the house!! By herself!!  Yes. We went out with John and Meg and even went to Target like we did (for real) Saturday night.

I remember driving home with Charlie (John and Meg didn't drive home with us). I guess they walked home. LOL.  We were talking about Julia. I can remember thinking that our heat had not been working well and I was hoping that Julia would not get really cold. Then my nurse in me kicked in and I started panicking. Panicking that Julia could die if she got so cold. I was so mad at me and Charlie. Mad that we could leave our little girl all by herself.  We were so selfish. We rushed home and luckily Charlie's parents were there and so were Charlie's brother and his girlfried. I picked up Julia and she gave me the saddest look. A look of betrayal - like she couldn't believe I left her there.

That was the end of the dream.

I woke up with my heart thudding. When I woke up, I really thought I had a baby girl in the next room. It took a few seconds to register that no I didn't have a baby. This was 3am Sunday morning.  I got up and drank some water hoping to go back to sleep soon. It didn't work. I sat up for a few minutes and all I could think about was what that dream meant....Would Charlie and I be bad parents?? Would we be so clueless?? Would I ever leave my baby even if by accident?? I was mortified.  So of course I tried to wake Charlie up. I told him about my dream but I don't think it even registered...Poor Charlie. I always get him up with my bad dreams. He went back to sleep and it took me a good hour to finally go back to sleep.

I really hope I don't have any more dreams like that.