Charlie and I went out with our good friends John and Megan this past Saturday. It was late in the evening and Charlie and I were in the backseat. I was talking and out of nowhere, this wave of nausea just hit me. I had not eaten much that day so I'm sure it was coming from that. But Megan joked and asked "Are you sure that it?" or something along those lines.
For a split second, I became hopeful again. Hopeful that maybe my doctor could be wrong. That maybe I was ovulating. I quickly put those thoughts aside though. I've done really well with not thinking about getting pregnant. Since the doctor gave me the news and after my breakdown, I've really had no time to think about getting pregnant. Thank Goodness that school and work keep me busy.
************************************************************************************
I had a really awful dream later that night..
Here it is to the best of my recollection:
I dreamed that Charlie and I had a daughter named Julia..(Lauren - she looked just like your Julia in my dream!!) So anyway, for some reason Lauren's Julia was my daughter in my dream. It felt so real because in my dream, Charlie and me where going out with John and Meg too.
Julia apparently was really sleepy so we decided to put her in her crib. I can remember pulling all the little blankets up to her chin to tuck her in. Then, the God awful parents that we were (in my dream), we left her !! In the house!! By herself!! Yes. We went out with John and Meg and even went to Target like we did (for real) Saturday night.
I remember driving home with Charlie (John and Meg didn't drive home with us). I guess they walked home. LOL. We were talking about Julia. I can remember thinking that our heat had not been working well and I was hoping that Julia would not get really cold. Then my nurse in me kicked in and I started panicking. Panicking that Julia could die if she got so cold. I was so mad at me and Charlie. Mad that we could leave our little girl all by herself. We were so selfish. We rushed home and luckily Charlie's parents were there and so were Charlie's brother and his girlfried. I picked up Julia and she gave me the saddest look. A look of betrayal - like she couldn't believe I left her there.
That was the end of the dream.
I woke up with my heart thudding. When I woke up, I really thought I had a baby girl in the next room. It took a few seconds to register that no I didn't have a baby. This was 3am Sunday morning. I got up and drank some water hoping to go back to sleep soon. It didn't work. I sat up for a few minutes and all I could think about was what that dream meant....Would Charlie and I be bad parents?? Would we be so clueless?? Would I ever leave my baby even if by accident?? I was mortified. So of course I tried to wake Charlie up. I told him about my dream but I don't think it even registered...Poor Charlie. I always get him up with my bad dreams. He went back to sleep and it took me a good hour to finally go back to sleep.
I really hope I don't have any more dreams like that.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Disappointing News
Hello All. I've got two disappointing news to share.
First: I did get my period this past Monday, which to my disappointment, means no preggo. It was comforting though to finally know. I keep repeating myself but I hate the "not knowing" part.
Second: I called my gynecologist, Dr.Keeley, on Monday. You see, my cycle has been 45-50 days apart. Normal cycle is like 28-32 days apart. I was not sure if this was normal. I knew I would be irregular as in - not knowing when I would start. But I didn't think it should be this far apart. So I called just to make sure nothing was wrong with my health.
Dr.Keeley said that because my cycle was so far apart - I was not OVULATING. He said "You have a slim to no chance of getting pregnant right now." Call me foolish, but I was completely blindsighted by this. No one in my family has/had any trouble of getting pregnant. So I assumed that I would just get pregnant just like that. Silly of me. He said if I want to be aggresive about it, I could make an appointment and he would prescribed Clomid. Clomid is a drug to help you ovulate and is also used for infertility. It can result in twins or triplets. Or he said, since you are so young, you could wait a few months and see if you become more regular. Does he know I'm 26?
I was very disappointed Monday. Shed some tears. One of my biggest fears is that I can't bear a child. I could rationalize and think it's for the best. God knows when I am good and ready. I'm still in school after all and under a lot of stress. All true.
But the IRRATIONAL part of me wants to go into a panic. I've kept putting off children because I wanted to get established in my 1st career, then I put it off because I wanted to go to school, now I've put it off because I want to graduate before I have a child. Now, I get the news that maybe something could be wrong with me....It could be awhile before I can be fixed and have a baby. Who knows?
I'm not an organized person by any means. But I'm a planner at heart. So Charlie and I have already planned to have four children. We love children and all that comes with it. We are crazy we know. So all this waiting to have a baby could hinder our plans of having four kids. I mean I am turning 27 in January. I always wanted to be a young mom who could keep up with her children. Now I'll be old and disabled running after my youngest. LOL.
But I'm striving to get all this negative thoughts out. I really am. I'm letting God take care of it. I am not going to be aggressive and take Clomid. I will wait it out and see what God has planned for me. Much easier said than done. Although it may seem like it - I'm not depressed and I'm not stressed. I know of one person going through the same thing so it gives me comfort that I can turn to her for support. I've got great friends and family to talk to if I need encouragement. Charlie has been great and very supportive. This is just a slight detour and Charlie and I will be happy to follow wherever it may lead.
First: I did get my period this past Monday, which to my disappointment, means no preggo. It was comforting though to finally know. I keep repeating myself but I hate the "not knowing" part.
Second: I called my gynecologist, Dr.Keeley, on Monday. You see, my cycle has been 45-50 days apart. Normal cycle is like 28-32 days apart. I was not sure if this was normal. I knew I would be irregular as in - not knowing when I would start. But I didn't think it should be this far apart. So I called just to make sure nothing was wrong with my health.
Dr.Keeley said that because my cycle was so far apart - I was not OVULATING. He said "You have a slim to no chance of getting pregnant right now." Call me foolish, but I was completely blindsighted by this. No one in my family has/had any trouble of getting pregnant. So I assumed that I would just get pregnant just like that. Silly of me. He said if I want to be aggresive about it, I could make an appointment and he would prescribed Clomid. Clomid is a drug to help you ovulate and is also used for infertility. It can result in twins or triplets. Or he said, since you are so young, you could wait a few months and see if you become more regular. Does he know I'm 26?
I was very disappointed Monday. Shed some tears. One of my biggest fears is that I can't bear a child. I could rationalize and think it's for the best. God knows when I am good and ready. I'm still in school after all and under a lot of stress. All true.
But the IRRATIONAL part of me wants to go into a panic. I've kept putting off children because I wanted to get established in my 1st career, then I put it off because I wanted to go to school, now I've put it off because I want to graduate before I have a child. Now, I get the news that maybe something could be wrong with me....It could be awhile before I can be fixed and have a baby. Who knows?
I'm not an organized person by any means. But I'm a planner at heart. So Charlie and I have already planned to have four children. We love children and all that comes with it. We are crazy we know. So all this waiting to have a baby could hinder our plans of having four kids. I mean I am turning 27 in January. I always wanted to be a young mom who could keep up with her children. Now I'll be old and disabled running after my youngest. LOL.
But I'm striving to get all this negative thoughts out. I really am. I'm letting God take care of it. I am not going to be aggressive and take Clomid. I will wait it out and see what God has planned for me. Much easier said than done. Although it may seem like it - I'm not depressed and I'm not stressed. I know of one person going through the same thing so it gives me comfort that I can turn to her for support. I've got great friends and family to talk to if I need encouragement. Charlie has been great and very supportive. This is just a slight detour and Charlie and I will be happy to follow wherever it may lead.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
No news
It's normal to have an irregular cycle when you stop taking birth control pills. I guess that is what my body is going through. I skipped a September cycle and I guess I will skip a November cycle too. Oh well. I shouldn't be complaining...who wants a period anyway?? LOL.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Waiting once again
The one thing that bothers me the most about being off the pill is the uncertainty of when my period will start. It's Nov 15 - over a month since my last period - and still no period. Am I pregnant? Well according to the 4 pregnancy tests I've took already, that would be a no.
I got really excited with one result this weekend. I thought I could see this VERY faint blue line. I scrutinized over that thing forever. I even had Charlie to check behind me. I was sure it was supposed to be positive but I got another just in case. This one didn't show ANY lines. Oh well.
Charlie is sure that I am pregnant. It's so cute. He talks to my belly like there's a baby in there already. I thought I was too. I've been super emotional. Not the crying kind. The ugly tempermental kind. I got into one of my wild rampages the other day. Charlie is so good about handling them. He'll just bear hug me and insist I look at him. 99.9% of the time I will end up cracking up because I know how stupid I'm being and then that's that. I've also had these weird cringes of pain in my breasts..I know they're supposed to be sore, so I think I was reading too much into them once again. Also, I've been bleeding a whole lot when I brush my teeth. I know there's an increase of bleeding in the gums during pregnancy due to the increase in estrogen. LOL. I might just have gingivitis. It would probably be better if I didn't know all the signs and symptoms of pregnancy. I need to chill out and let it be. :0)
The baby fever has dwindled some what because I'm no longer in the nursery for clinicals. However, I've done some peds rotations. I LOVE children sooo much. In fact, doing the peds rotations made me want to be a teacher for younger children. I actually second guess my decision of being a nurse. All I want in life is to make a huge impact in other people's lives. Teaching and being a mentor for young children is pretty intense. I mean, a teacher is the foundation of that young child's education. I love my job though so I think I'll stick with nursing and help to save people's lives. Sorry for that slight tangent.
By the way, I've gain three pounds..so now I'm at 115 lbs prepregnancy weight
Until the next time...
I got really excited with one result this weekend. I thought I could see this VERY faint blue line. I scrutinized over that thing forever. I even had Charlie to check behind me. I was sure it was supposed to be positive but I got another just in case. This one didn't show ANY lines. Oh well.
Charlie is sure that I am pregnant. It's so cute. He talks to my belly like there's a baby in there already. I thought I was too. I've been super emotional. Not the crying kind. The ugly tempermental kind. I got into one of my wild rampages the other day. Charlie is so good about handling them. He'll just bear hug me and insist I look at him. 99.9% of the time I will end up cracking up because I know how stupid I'm being and then that's that. I've also had these weird cringes of pain in my breasts..I know they're supposed to be sore, so I think I was reading too much into them once again. Also, I've been bleeding a whole lot when I brush my teeth. I know there's an increase of bleeding in the gums during pregnancy due to the increase in estrogen. LOL. I might just have gingivitis. It would probably be better if I didn't know all the signs and symptoms of pregnancy. I need to chill out and let it be. :0)
The baby fever has dwindled some what because I'm no longer in the nursery for clinicals. However, I've done some peds rotations. I LOVE children sooo much. In fact, doing the peds rotations made me want to be a teacher for younger children. I actually second guess my decision of being a nurse. All I want in life is to make a huge impact in other people's lives. Teaching and being a mentor for young children is pretty intense. I mean, a teacher is the foundation of that young child's education. I love my job though so I think I'll stick with nursing and help to save people's lives. Sorry for that slight tangent.
By the way, I've gain three pounds..so now I'm at 115 lbs prepregnancy weight
Until the next time...
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Not Pregnant
Well we are not pregnant. Mother Nature paid a little visit the weekend on Oct 2..Charlie and I were at Raleigh for Elizabeth and John's wedding. I am not as disappointed as I thought I would be. It only gave me more hope to try for the next month. It was only the uncertainty that drove me crazy. If God felt that it was time for us to have a baby, then it would have happened. For now, I will just enjoy all the babies in the nursery and my friends' babies.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Still waiting...
I was supposed to have a little visit with Mother Nature the week of Sept 13-19. But lo and behold, this has not happened yet. GASP! Trust me, I have done my fair share of pregnancy tests. I should buy stocks in Pregnancy Tests. They have all tested negative.
My nursing friends - who are all moms for the most part - tell me that if I don't follow the directions EXACTLY as the pregnancy test states, then it could be a false negative. Heather - told me that I had to look real closely at the result. She said that the extra line could be so faint that it could have been missed. Yes, I actually went home last night and "fished" the test out of the trash. No extra lines.
I know I have plenty of time to have a baby. It's not that really. To me, the worse part is the NOT KNOWING. I don't understand why I haven't started my period yet. I have been regular since I was on birth control and even before that. I am like a child. If I want something, I WANT IT NOW. If I want to know something, I WANT TO KNOW NOW.
Also, I would like to know if I am pregnant, so that I can even make more efforts in keeping myself healthy. For ex: WORK. I am constantly straining my body to lift, push, pull patients at work. I'm sure this is not conducive to a safe pregnancy. I'm also on my feet for most of the duration -whether it's 4, 6, or 12 hrs. I want to be able to take it a little easier at work so that I don't hurt my future baby. I guess I could do that now, but the workaholic in me refuses to do so.
I guess I will wait a couple more weeks. If Mother Nature does not visit, then I will call my physician. In the mean time, I will wait.
My nursing friends - who are all moms for the most part - tell me that if I don't follow the directions EXACTLY as the pregnancy test states, then it could be a false negative. Heather - told me that I had to look real closely at the result. She said that the extra line could be so faint that it could have been missed. Yes, I actually went home last night and "fished" the test out of the trash. No extra lines.
I know I have plenty of time to have a baby. It's not that really. To me, the worse part is the NOT KNOWING. I don't understand why I haven't started my period yet. I have been regular since I was on birth control and even before that. I am like a child. If I want something, I WANT IT NOW. If I want to know something, I WANT TO KNOW NOW.
Also, I would like to know if I am pregnant, so that I can even make more efforts in keeping myself healthy. For ex: WORK. I am constantly straining my body to lift, push, pull patients at work. I'm sure this is not conducive to a safe pregnancy. I'm also on my feet for most of the duration -whether it's 4, 6, or 12 hrs. I want to be able to take it a little easier at work so that I don't hurt my future baby. I guess I could do that now, but the workaholic in me refuses to do so.
I guess I will wait a couple more weeks. If Mother Nature does not visit, then I will call my physician. In the mean time, I will wait.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Anticipation
Less than a week now to find out if we are pregnant. I'm become a woman obsessed. I'm scrutinizing every little symptom that I have to determine if I am pregnant. I need to get a grip and realize that God has a plan for me. When HE believes it is time then I will get pregnant. I feel so selfish at times thinking that I could get pregnant in a month, when I have close friends who's had a hard time getting pregnant. I guess all I can do is wait. Wait patiently for a miracle to happen.
Some symptoms I have been scrutinizing since mid Aug:
1. Frequent urination - I have been peeing a lot lately. But this could be the fact that I'm drinking a ton of water in efforts to get healthier.
2. I have been real dizzy and lightedheaded even without doing anything. This is a sign of pregnancy but I'm not getting my hopes up.
3. I've felt weird little tugs and pangs in my belly. Is it gas?? Could be..LOL.
These are the only symptoms I've had. No nausea or vomiting. No breast tenderness.. Because I'm so weird, I even took two pregnancy tests. Sept 9 and Sept 11 - Both negative. So needless to say, I will probably get my period this week and it will be a major disappointment.
"Que Sera Sera".
Some symptoms I have been scrutinizing since mid Aug:
1. Frequent urination - I have been peeing a lot lately. But this could be the fact that I'm drinking a ton of water in efforts to get healthier.
2. I have been real dizzy and lightedheaded even without doing anything. This is a sign of pregnancy but I'm not getting my hopes up.
3. I've felt weird little tugs and pangs in my belly. Is it gas?? Could be..LOL.
These are the only symptoms I've had. No nausea or vomiting. No breast tenderness.. Because I'm so weird, I even took two pregnancy tests. Sept 9 and Sept 11 - Both negative. So needless to say, I will probably get my period this week and it will be a major disappointment.
"Que Sera Sera".
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